540 replies to this topic

[keporter]

Here are some jokes ect., I got from a auto message board. The last one is the best.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.

Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood.

Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer.
Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when' s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My reaction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate.

But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze or cough, my radiator seems to leak



A farmer has three sons.

One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.
Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for.."

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that darn tractor is paid for. "



Here are a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions by both men and women. First, the questions from women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .

"SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?





Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

There once was a little boy who had a bad
temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his
temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered
it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father
about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that
he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally
able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone. The father took his son by the
hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. You
can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm
sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal
wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise
and they always want to open their hearts to us."

[dobeluvr]

A woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the woman begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered mercilessly against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......

Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter runs over and shuts off the horse.

Edited by dobeluvr, 02 May 2005 - 03:04 PM.

[oreo5129]

Nothing like a good "dumb blonde" joke to get the day off right. Thanks jane.

[jmnodwell]

I always love blonde jokes!!!! Being blonde, myself I can relate!!! but remember blonde is NOT just a haircolor, it is a lifestyle!!!

How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?
Give her a bag of M&M"s and tell her to alphabetize them.

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into the little envelope.

What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
Refueling.

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a four-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
This Goes In Front.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Heard about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look, they spelled MACYS wrong!"

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde climb the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her hair cut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told her that she couldn't. The hair dresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good hair cut. She said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the blonde fell over dead. The hairdresser was startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened. She picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in- breathe out, breathe in-breathe out..."

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the
breast stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hesterically, the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ...you're next."

[jmnodwell]

Jay and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning
while listening to the radio, they heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so
the snowplow can get through."

Jay's wife went out and moved her car. A week later while
they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are
expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow
can get through."

Jay's wife went out and to move her car again. The next week
they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park...", then there was a power failure.

Jay's wife said, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this
time?"

[Jennymay]

A blonde is driving down a country road, and sees another blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field.
The blonde stops her car, and gets out. The blonde in the field starts waving her arms, saying, "Help me! Help me!! I have no paddles"
The blonde from the car yells over to the blonde in the field.."You know, it's blondes like you that REALLY piss me off....
...and if I knew how to swim, I'd be out there to slap your face!!"

teeheehee

[Arda]

A side of all of you I would never guessed. Especially you Joni. The Swamp

[brownsmom]

Okay, you guys. You know why brunettes tell blond jokes, don't you? So they have something to do on Saturday night!

Of course, you know why blond jokes are usually one -liners? Otherwise you would have to explain them to men!

[dobeluvr]

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

Edited by dobeluvr, 02 May 2005 - 03:05 PM.

[brownsmom]

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

FOTFL

[Jennymay]

hahahaha.....too funny.....

[brownsmom]

We ought to be able to offend absolutely everyone this way....

[dobeluvr]

All of the jokes under this topic are hilarious! I hope I haven't offended anyone by leaving them out. Should I go look for senior jokes now?

Jane

[Jennymay]

We need some red-headed jokes now...

[dobeluvr]

We need some red-headed jokes now...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I looked and couldn't find any.

Jane
salt and pepper

[dobeluvr]

If I offended anyone with the jokes that I posted, I'm sorry. They weren't meant to offend anyone.

Jane

[dobeluvr]

If I offended anyone with the jokes that I posted, I'm sorry.  They weren't meant to offend anyone.

Jane

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Okay, I attempted to make them more universally acceptable. Hope this suits everyone's sensibilities.

Jane

[oreo5129]

If my ribs didn't hurt enough from all the coughing I've been doing all week. I come home from work and laugh until I thought I would die. Not much offends me. The sicker the joke the better I like them. Nurses can be some of the sickest people when it comes to humor that I know, and I am one of them.

[ella]

Oh boy, senior and blonde. I'm doomed

I love them all.

Ella

[RUSTYSMOM]

OK>>>>>>>Do the jokes have to be clean?

OK....Now I'm gonna have to dig in the vault and get some good ones here.
Post them tomorrow.....

Michelle