540 replies to this topic

[keporter]

I had some very un-clean ones but I know Marissa frequents the board so I was good and didn't post them.

[RUSTYSMOM]

It stinks being good doesn't it.....

Michelle

I promis....I'll be good!

[CAB]

I had some very un-clean ones but I know Marissa frequents the board so I was good and didn't post them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You mean Larissa?

[dobeluvr]

I had some very un-clean ones but I know Marissa frequents the board so I was good and didn't post them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you.

Jane
President, Prudesb'us

[brownsmom]

Yeah, we had better keep it clean. Otherwise I will get in trouble for reading them at work!

[RUSTYSMOM]

OK....Here we go....................

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Jennymay]

Michelle..
That joke ALWAYS makes me laugh...it's one of those ones that you forget you know, then when you start reading it, you can't wait to get to the punch line!
HAHAHA...
That's something my hubby and I Would do to eachother...pathetic, isn't it...

[RUSTYSMOM]

I've got another one that I would love to add but I'm not sure....It's not dirty but I don't want little eyes to read it if they aren't old enough.....

I'll have to find another one.

[Indian Neighbor]

> LOCATION
> Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
> talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is
> farther away..........Florida or the moon?
> "The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
> Florida.......?????
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> CAR TROUBLE
> A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
> died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> She says, "What's the story?"
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
> She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> SPEEDING TICKET
> A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
> he could see her license.
> She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
> Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
> show it to you!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> RIVER WALK
> There's this blonde out for a walk.
> She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
> "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back, "You ARE on the other side."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> KNITTING
> A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> wheel was knitting!
> Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
> trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled ,
> "PULL OVER!"
> "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> BLONDE ON THE SUN
> A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
> The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
> The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
> The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
> "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
> Russian.
> To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> We're going at night!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> IN A VACUUM
> A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
> It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.
> Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
> can you hear it?"
> She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
> and asked her what their names were.
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
> named Timex.
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
> "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Jennymay]

Becky, those were great!!
I'm telling them all to my blonde co-worker right now...hahahaha...
She's lovin' em!!
~JennyMay~
Former blonde for years and years..... muwahahaha

[jastubbs]

Thought these were appropriate

Seeing Eye Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman pincher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

They guy at the door says, "A Doberman pincher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

He says," You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

DOG BITE

So I was in this bar and next to me was a man with a dog sitting at his feet; so I said to this man "Does your dog bite?" And he replied "My dog has never bitten anybody in his life." So I put my hand down to pat the dog, and it near bit my hand off! So I said to this man "I thought you said your dog did not bite" and he replied "That is not my dog."

[jastubbs]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative."

Finally, with his ever-cool Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . Cheese mine."

[larissa]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative."

Finally, with his ever-cool Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . Cheese mine."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

these things are funny, but trust me... i ride the bus. i've heard all of the bad language and dirty jokes there are!

[Heather M]

these things are funny, but trust me... i ride the bus. i've heard all of the bad language and dirty jokes there are!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks for keeping this site clean guys--Larissa's mom

[keporter]

Kitchen Signs:

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.



State Mottos

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
(this was left blank--does this mean Delaware is too small to have a
motto?)

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Gateway to Iowa

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
For Sale

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio:
Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma:
Like the Play...Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?





Help Line Loser

f you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[ella]

I love it. The Help Line Loser. The others are funny but this one is the winner.

Ella

[oreo5129]

[Indian Neighbor]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Courts", and are things people
actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotte
n?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

Q; What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________ ...

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________ ...

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________ ....

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere.

[dobeluvr]

my, but these were HILARIOUS!!! I screeched out loud by the time I got to that last one! People are so funny. Thanks for posting these. It's a nice way to start out the day.

Jane

[jmnodwell]

Help Line Loser

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Another true story... I don't have the exact so will relate to the best of my memory...

Did you hear about the guy who called the help desk and wanted them to replace the broken coffee holder on his computer??? Yep, he said it broke off when he put his large coffee cup in it and wanted it fixed/replaced.

Now we all know you don't really want drinks near your computer and no computer has EVER come with a coffee holder so the help desk person questions him further... He tells him that it is really cool and comes sliding out of the computer when he pushes a button on the front of the "box".

Have you guessed??? Yep, he was using the CD-ROM tray as a cup holder...